Sick, sick, sick

 

Ethan and Miah are both down for the count!  They are sick with flu.  It seems it has been one thing after another lately and we cannot stay well.  Hoping all this sickness is gone before Christmas. 

Happy Birthday Syd

 

Sydney 11 years old!

 

Okay, I know I say this with every birthday, but I can't believe my sweet girl is 11.  Sydney, where has the time gone.  When I stand up next to you and you come up past my shoulders, I cannot believe it.  I have not only watched you grow physically, but I have watched you grow many other ways.  Your personality is ever changing.  You are developing that crazy since of humor, that I am sure comes from your Father. I can't wait to see that develop as you get older and gain more confidence.  You are kind and caring and a friend to everyone.  I LOVE that part of your character. You are developing a love for running. I am so excited about that and can't wait to run with you!!! You have always been willing to help me and as you grow older I am amazed at how much you can do.  I look forward to our relationship growing and changing as you get older.  Syd, I love you more than you can imagine.  You are one cool kiddo!!!!!!

Thanksgiving Day 2012

 

It was so much fun to have a house full of family on Thanksgiving Day.  I am so thankful for ALL of my family.  So glad we stopped and made a few pictures. 

Mommy Torture!

After having to postpone something I had promised the kids because we were all sick last week, I finally made good on my word and took the kids shopping yesterday.  I ventured to the mall with all three kids trying not to break the budget and keep everyone happy.  As my kids get older I am finding this balance of shopping on a budget and keeping everyone happy, harder and harder!!  After 3 1/2 hours in the mall and a trip to Target, we were semi-successful.  I am taking an extra-long coffee and blog break this morning to reward myself for keeping my sanity during this crazy shopping trip.  Somewhere along the way of kids and more kids, I have totally lost any desire to ever do any kind of shopping.  I HATE SHOPPING!!!!   I have totally lost the shopping gene most women are born with (ok, I probably really never had it to start), but now just the thoughts of a shopping trip make me cringe.  This is not good considering Christmas is upon us....I have tried online shopping, but find it hard to really get good deals.  They either stick it to you with shipping or free shipping but higher prices.   Thinking I may start early and try and do short trips with specific things in mind.  I am afraid I have a long road ahead of me.  Both my girls seem to love to shop, especially S.  There is nothing that speaks her love language like some quality time with Mama on a shopping trip. I do not want my kids to feel like I never ever took them shopping or bought them anything, and maybe even more than shopping I hate making returns!!!  So therefore I guess I must be resigned to the Mommy torture of shopping with my kiddos.  There is no other way around it.  I am thinking that they may have to accompany me on a trip to the park or a nice hike in return for all this shopping!!   Maybe when S gets a little older, I can put her in charge of all my shopping.  Now there is an idea!

We got a new number on our agency wait list this month.  We are now family 48 on the total list waiting for a referral.  My initial  response is YAY!!  We are that much closer to bringing our little boy home.  The other part of me says, why does it have to take so long?  As I sit and think about this process , I think about how self-centered I am to make this adoption about me and my wait.
     Somewhere across the world a mother may be begging for just a few more days to be with her child before disease takes her body. A child may be spending the last night with a distant family member before being taken to an orphanage or even left on the street.  A father who has lost his wife may be coming to the realization that he cannot raise his children.....  All the while, I sit and wait and become frustrated with why the process is taking so long.  As human beings in our weak flesh, life is about us--our convenience, our plan, our schedule.   Even this call to adoption, if I am not careful can be easily turned into a focus on self and what I want. We even go so far in the adoption world to "special order" our orphans.  I want this age, this sex, I will take special need , I won't take special need... Oh Father how I beg for you to take ME out of this process. 
     You have called me to adoption.  You have called me to raise a child, that for some tragic reason his or her biological family cannot raise.  It is not about ME, my preferences or what would be convenient. It is about a child that needs a family.  A child that YOU love and have promised not to leave Fatherless.  As I sit and waste energy and time, being frustrated about my wait in the adoption world, my desire is that I will turn my waiting into praying.  Praying that this process will not be about me and my wants and conveniences, but that it will be all about bringing glory to you-even in the wait. 
     Instead of praying that we will move quickly up the adoption list and that our wait will soon be over,  I want to pray God's protection on HIS child that HE will allow me to raise in HIS perfect timing.  Because really, none of our children are our own.  They are God's children that HE has given to us for just a blink in the span of eternity.  Just as our children are God's before we raise them, my adopted child is not mine now.  He is God's.  I am so thankful that HE is charge of the timing and not me.  Father, thank you that you know and love my child even more than I ever can or will.  There is not a need that this child has that YOU cannot take care of. Somewhere down the road, I will get to be a part of meeting those needs for my adopted child, but in the meantime, I can rest in the peace that YOU love this child and can take care of this child beyond anything I could ever do.
      As we get farther along in this process, I am learning each and everyday to trust in God and not in my flesh.  How I want to snatch it back, even disguise it with fear and worry.  DailyI battle the flesh, making it about ME.  Slowly, slowly God is making process in my stubborn soul and teaching me to trust.  I am nowhere near where I need to be,  I still am frustrated, fearful, worried, and anxious everyday.  But slowly HE is chiseling away at my heart teaching me to trust HIM in this process.  Taking the ME out of this process and putting HIM in its place. 

Get My Act Together!!!!

 

 

     This waiting process is not for the faint of heart.  I knew going into this process that we were in for a difficult wait, but knowing that and feeling that are two very different things.  The paperwork phase was grueling, but at least there was some control of what was being done and there was a "to do" list that could be checked off that moved us one step closer to our adoption.  The phase we are currently in is like "no man's land".  We are waiting on a referral with no end in sight. In addition to all the emotional baggage that comes with this waiting, I feel an added pressure that I have put on myself to "get my act together".  There is never a day that goes by that I don't feel totally inadequate in every way to be on this journey.  I know that He is glorified in our weakness, but some days that seems like a long shot. I ask myself "How in the world can God gain glory in all of our chaos?"

 

     The kids had last week off from school and we decided to take a quick trip to the mountains.  The idea of the trip seemed perfect.  My mom and dad went with us. We stayed in Zach's parents cabin.  This was a budget friendly, stress free trip, allowing us to just get away and spend some quality family time together.  Now that we are a few days back from our trip and have settled back into routine, I am glad we went on the trip and I have fond memories or our time spent together.  If you had ask me that last weekend when we were at the cabin, I am not so sure I would have felt the same way.  To be quite honest, our kids fought terribly the whole trip.  After days upon days of constant fighting, Zach and I grew quite weary of it.  We were stressed, my parents were stressed, and I found myself in tears begging my kids to please get along and not hate each other.  (I can vividly remember my mom being in tears with my sister and I fighting from time to time.) At one time during the trip Zach and I looked at each other and we had to laugh.  I think our conversation went something like this.  "Wow, and we are going to bring an orphaned Ethiopian child into this mess?"  He is going to say, "Thanks but no thanks and pack up his bags and head back to Ethiopia. The orphanage isn't looking too bad--I think I will take my chances there". Did I mention that we did have about 1 hour of peace with all 3 kids in the back of the van on the way home from the mountains.  Praise God for small miracles!!!

 

     As I look back on this trip, my brain satan keeps telling me, you have to fix this, you cannot bring another child into this family, you can't even handle the ones you have.  We feel defeated, like failures as parents and we ask ourselves "where have we gone wrong?"  I have to simply remind myself that we have been called to this adoption and it is not because we have our act together or because we are doing everything right. I will not gain perfect parenting skills when I travel to Ethiopia, nothing magical will happen to my children while we are gone.  We will bring this precious child home to an imperfect family with imperfect parents and imperfect children.  Life will continue to be wild and chaotic at times and I can almost guarantee you that my children will still fight. In fact there will probably be more fighting because there will be more children.  I am sure I will be in tears and feel like a failure over how I am handling things and I will feel completely inadequate to handle all this craziness, just as I feel sometimes now.

     As I look back on our trip, I see how we could have done some things different.  We should have structured the children a little more and maybe tried some distractions or a little more encouragement. We had envisioned a peaceful week, Zach and I relaxing and the children playing happily in the cabin.  In reality it was hard, stressful, and Zach and I didn't have any "us" time.  We were constantly correcting, disciplining, and refereeing. It was a blow to my pride for my children to act like this in front of my parents.  Although, I know my mom and dad completely support our decision to adopt, I just wanted to feel like we had it more together in front of them.  I guess the Lord knew we needed a little dose of humility.  We needed to be reminded that we are a mess, we don't have it together and only by clinging to Him continually, will be able to even make it.  I want it easy, I want to have my act together, I want to do this parenting stuff right.  The Lord wants me to desperately need Him every step of the way, to continually cry out to Him for strength and guidance.  He has promised that He will be glorified in our weakness. Thank you Father, for knowing just what I need. promising that you will never leave or forsake me and that you will be with me even when the journey is difficult.

    

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Quick Get Away to the Mountains