Get My Act Together!!!!

 

 

     This waiting process is not for the faint of heart.  I knew going into this process that we were in for a difficult wait, but knowing that and feeling that are two very different things.  The paperwork phase was grueling, but at least there was some control of what was being done and there was a "to do" list that could be checked off that moved us one step closer to our adoption.  The phase we are currently in is like "no man's land".  We are waiting on a referral with no end in sight. In addition to all the emotional baggage that comes with this waiting, I feel an added pressure that I have put on myself to "get my act together".  There is never a day that goes by that I don't feel totally inadequate in every way to be on this journey.  I know that He is glorified in our weakness, but some days that seems like a long shot. I ask myself "How in the world can God gain glory in all of our chaos?"

 

     The kids had last week off from school and we decided to take a quick trip to the mountains.  The idea of the trip seemed perfect.  My mom and dad went with us. We stayed in Zach's parents cabin.  This was a budget friendly, stress free trip, allowing us to just get away and spend some quality family time together.  Now that we are a few days back from our trip and have settled back into routine, I am glad we went on the trip and I have fond memories or our time spent together.  If you had ask me that last weekend when we were at the cabin, I am not so sure I would have felt the same way.  To be quite honest, our kids fought terribly the whole trip.  After days upon days of constant fighting, Zach and I grew quite weary of it.  We were stressed, my parents were stressed, and I found myself in tears begging my kids to please get along and not hate each other.  (I can vividly remember my mom being in tears with my sister and I fighting from time to time.) At one time during the trip Zach and I looked at each other and we had to laugh.  I think our conversation went something like this.  "Wow, and we are going to bring an orphaned Ethiopian child into this mess?"  He is going to say, "Thanks but no thanks and pack up his bags and head back to Ethiopia. The orphanage isn't looking too bad--I think I will take my chances there". Did I mention that we did have about 1 hour of peace with all 3 kids in the back of the van on the way home from the mountains.  Praise God for small miracles!!!

 

     As I look back on this trip, my brain satan keeps telling me, you have to fix this, you cannot bring another child into this family, you can't even handle the ones you have.  We feel defeated, like failures as parents and we ask ourselves "where have we gone wrong?"  I have to simply remind myself that we have been called to this adoption and it is not because we have our act together or because we are doing everything right. I will not gain perfect parenting skills when I travel to Ethiopia, nothing magical will happen to my children while we are gone.  We will bring this precious child home to an imperfect family with imperfect parents and imperfect children.  Life will continue to be wild and chaotic at times and I can almost guarantee you that my children will still fight. In fact there will probably be more fighting because there will be more children.  I am sure I will be in tears and feel like a failure over how I am handling things and I will feel completely inadequate to handle all this craziness, just as I feel sometimes now.

     As I look back on our trip, I see how we could have done some things different.  We should have structured the children a little more and maybe tried some distractions or a little more encouragement. We had envisioned a peaceful week, Zach and I relaxing and the children playing happily in the cabin.  In reality it was hard, stressful, and Zach and I didn't have any "us" time.  We were constantly correcting, disciplining, and refereeing. It was a blow to my pride for my children to act like this in front of my parents.  Although, I know my mom and dad completely support our decision to adopt, I just wanted to feel like we had it more together in front of them.  I guess the Lord knew we needed a little dose of humility.  We needed to be reminded that we are a mess, we don't have it together and only by clinging to Him continually, will be able to even make it.  I want it easy, I want to have my act together, I want to do this parenting stuff right.  The Lord wants me to desperately need Him every step of the way, to continually cry out to Him for strength and guidance.  He has promised that He will be glorified in our weakness. Thank you Father, for knowing just what I need. promising that you will never leave or forsake me and that you will be with me even when the journey is difficult.