Miles put this sweet note my lunchbox yesterday to "surprise" me.  I can't quit looking at it and getting tearful every time I see it.  The magnitude of this little note is not lost on me.  It is so much bigger than just a few sweet words on a napkin.  

Miles has been home for almost 5 years, in fact we just had his 5th and final post placement visit from Lifeline, the agency we used in our adoption.  Miles came to us right at 4 years old.  This boy would not even let me hold him in those early days when we were with him in China.  I missed all the "firsts" we celebrate with our babies. His first word, his first smile, his first steps.  I missed all the nighttime feeding and rocking.  I missed kisses and snuggles and starring at tiny hands and tiny feet. I missed smelling his sweet baby smell and hearing his newborn cry. He did all that in an orphanage with precious nannies that I have never met.  I don't even have a baby picture, I can only just imagine how cute he must have been! 

My first three kiddos were with me from the moment of conception.  They heard, I love you and you are precious, and Jesus loves you before they even came into this world.  They were probably kissed a million times a day and held and loved almost every waking hour.  We do this with our babies, almost unconsciously.  We don't even think about it.  I remember  shortly after we got Miles, spending time with my friend with her newborn.  Within the couple of hours that I was with her, I watched her pick up her baby, smile at her, touch her, speak softly to her, kiss her, rock her, reassure her..... over and over and over.  I think that is the moment that I realized how much our babies that come to us from orphan care have lost.  Yes, I knew that they come with hard stories or just missing stories.  They have unknowns about their past, that we may never know the answers to.  They have lost family and biological connection.  I think those are the obvious losses. But even after 3 kiddos, it wasn't until I really watched a mom with her infant that I began to realize what our precious kiddos "lost" everyday. 

When I think about those first 4 years and the stories that Miles shares with me.  He clearly remembers a "before" , a "When I was in China" or "When I was at my school" ....I cannot imagine that in my mind.  I have no idea how I would process that or what it would feel like.  I tell him he was never alone, and that the Lord was with him and that He will always be with him.  He is my child that doesn't want to get older, because he doesn't want things to change.  He doesn't want to have to leave us.  Regardless of how much I assure him that getting older and growing up will be what he wants to do and that, he will someday be ready to leave and have his own family.  He worries....because he knows a "before".  That is a concept that is completely unknown to any of my other kiddos. He worries about things I have never even considered. When I think about all of that I can easily  become overwhelmed and discouraged, and think that we will just be in therapy dealing with all of this for the rest of our lives.  

But then I see the Lord and his grace upon these children, upon Miles.  He is one of the happiest kids I know.  He has the loudest laugh and the biggest smile.  He loves to play tricks and tell jokes. I see 5 years of the Lord, healing this little boys heart. I think about how far he has come from those early days when we were really just strangers.  I get to see him bonding with his brother and sisters.  I get to watch him run to his dad and jump in his arms.  I get to say prayers with him and tuck in him in and give him kisses and hugs.  Yes, I missed his "firsts", but I get a front row seat of the "nows".  I get to watch God do big things in this little boy and watch as the Lord illustrates a beautiful story of grace, redemption, and healing. 

 In the first few years, I watched as Miles learned how to receive love. This didn't always come easy.  This big crazy family would just be too much for him. I remember when he finally relaxed when I gave him a hug, and telling him to put his arms around me and hug me back.  I remember carrying him and having to teach him how to "hang on" because this was all brand new to him. We have had many hard conversations, and there are no words that will convince a child that you love them or that they are lovable.  It it long hard journey that we must walk beside them.  I remember so clearly, and still sometimes now,  just wanting to say and do all the right things to fix the hard for Miles.  I remember in year 2 or 3 thinking that we had not made much progress...oh but we really have!

Five years home and the Lord is doing miracles in all of our hearts.  This note that Miles wrote me is just a little snapshot of this change that has come so gradually I almost missed it.  This is real change, this is heart change.  To put it into words is to oversimplify what an awesome miracle that is unfolding, but I see the Lord, teaching Miles to openly give love, not only, to openly receive it.  To adoption mamas, we know that this is big stuff!  This is the stuff we work for and pray for and know that only God can do.  We worry so much about all of our kiddos.  Only us mamas know the hours we spend processing all of this in our brains and then, add the complexity of adoption and the worry just compounds.  Are we getting the help they need?  Are we going to the right doctors?  Are we seeing enough therapists?  Are we exposing them to their culture enough? Are we talking to them too much or too little about their birth stories...and the list goes on and on. 

I am so thankful for this little note,written quickly on a napkin yesterday morning and put into my lunchbox, the same kind Miles often receives from me.  This little glimpse into Miles heart.  This little whisper that keeps telling me that the Lord is writing a beautiful story.  It's a long story with still many chapters to be written, and I am sure, some struggles along the way,  but I know the Author and I know that He loves this boy more than I ever could. What a privilege that the Lord has allowed our stories to intersect and oh how this mama's heart too has changed in process!