Hard Work!

Miles has been with us for 2 1/2 months now. In so many ways it seems much longer, but in other ways the transition is so new.   Our family is still kind of on the "Mountain Top" with the excitement and joy of bringing Miles home, but combined with that are all the "growing pains" that come along with our family physically getting larger.  Throw this all together and you never know what emotion is going to shake out when. I have read blogs and talked to other adoptive mamas about this transition time being so hard and thought it would mostly be about Miles.  If I could do all the right stuff to help him acclimate, it would be smooth sailing.  What I am finally understanding is that transition, for everyone, regardless of how your child doing,  is just hard work!!!!

 It is physical work.  I have always prided myself on being that mom who just makes her kids eat whatever is cooked.  That all changed when we brought Miles home.  Although, he is eating better everyday, I know that food is such a comfort for him. If I can prepare something familiar for him that gives him comfort, that is something I can do to build trust with Miles and meet his needs.  So when he eats a chicken leg for breakfast, or gets the biggest smile on his face when I make him rice, it is all worth it. So, as I am training to be a gourmet Chinese chief, I am also trying to balance the added laundry and cleaning. One second of "letting up" in these areas and the drowning starts, and I feel like I feel like I will never, ever catch up. Along with all the added cooking and cleaning, I am trying to adjust to doing everything with a child in my arms.  I am thrilled that Miles wants to be held and wants to be with me,  I know that is great for attachment and bonding. It is definitely a transition that I love, but am having to get use to it once again. My back, shoulders, and arms are definitely having to get adjusted.  Speaking of adjusting, I am also back in huge, big, 5 point, car seat mode.  That definitely changes the speed of errand running! I told someone the other day that my productivity level had slowed to a halt and I had no idea when I would ever get anything done anymore !  Ok, I better move on, I  getting tired just thinking about all this "physical" stuff. 

 It is emotional work.  Bringing Miles home has been one of the most emotional experiences of my entire life.  I cannot begin to explain the feeling in my heart as we watched God at work to bring Miles home.  After waiting two years for this sweet child, I have no words to express the "fullness" I have when I thinking about my son being here.  But aside from my emotions, Miles is doing the hard work of adjusting to us.  When I look at him and how well he is doing and how happy and content he is....I cannot imagine.  He is the strongest person I know.  I was going to say child, but then he is stronger than all the adults I know too.  When I think of all my son has been through and all the adjusting we have ask of him in such a short period of time, I am overwhelmed.  I so want to be able to control this, to fix this, to make it easier for him, but some of the emotional stuff, I cannot fix. Only God can heal his heart from all the loss he has experienced at such a young age, and all of that will take time.  Aside from all the emotional stuff with Miles, I think this transition has left us all just a little more emotionally needy.  Thinking back to last week I can remember one very emotionally needy evening.  Zach was still at work, we were well into the evening.  Sydney was needing extra homework help, Ethan was wanting to play outside in the cul-da-sac and even though we don't have much traffic, I definitely still want to have eyeballs on him when he is in the road.  Miah wanted me to play school and told me I never had time to play with her anymore and Miles was tired and had not gotten a nap, so he was wanting to be held constantly.  Not to mention I had not started dinner and was feeling emotionally needy myself because it was almost 7pm and Zach was not home to help me balance all this.  Oh, and should I throw in that I really wanted to squeeze in a 25 minute treadmill run for myself before the evening was over. Add to all that the emotion of Mommy guilt, because I could not meet every one's needs all at the same time.  Sometimes when I am stretched so thin, Satan can get to me and I feel like I am a total FAIL!!!  To be completely honest, there are many times I don't do those evenings well. Sometimes I hold it together with my kids, just to explode on my hubby emotionally when he walks in the door.

All of this to say, that sometimes what we are called to is hard work!!!  It doesn't mean that I don't count my blessing for my precious family everyday.  I would not change one thing about what the Lord has called me to and the precious children He has given to me to raise.  I love everyone of them with all of my heart, but it is the hardest thing physically and emotionally I have ever done.  Hard does not mean bad, hard does not mean I want to change it.  Hard just means that I just have to cling to the Lord everyday.  Everyday, I mess up, I fail, I have to say I  am sorry, forgive, and make up.  Everyday, I smile, I laugh,  I hug, I fall more in love, I am blessed beyond what I could ever imagine. I am so thankful for the HARD, that makes me cling to Jesus just to make it, cause if it were easy, I would think  "wow!  I'm doing a pretty good job".  Lord help me everyday to give thanks for the hard, to give thanks that sometimes  I am stretched so thin I think I will rip apart, thanks that I cannot do this without you.  And when you show me the beauty in the HARD, Lord don't let me miss it.  When my little boy who tells me in broken English that he had fun, or when my children stand up for each other, or I see a glimpse of them showing love when they don't know I am watching. When the Lord whispers a life lesson to me in the middle of the day or shows me something that just He and I understand. When a great praise song comes on that is just what I need to hear,  Lord, help me not to be so lost in all the work, that I miss Your beauty. Beauty that tells me "I love you and have called you to this place, at this time ,and I will never leave you".  Lord, thank you for the HARD; and if someway, somehow, in all this HARD, my children see YOU, it will be worth every second!!